Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personal
See a Problem?
Thanks for telling us about the problem.
Friend Reviews
Reader Q&A
…more You might also enjoy a book specifically on boundaries. Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine comes to mind.
(less)
Community Reviews
This is not a scientific reference, it's a self-help book, and I usually look skeptically at that whole category. However, anyone who has ever torn his or her hair out while dealing with a borderline will feel a wave of validation and relief when reading this book. No, you are not crazy, and no, you are not alone. Also, and very importantly, the book advocates kindly, empathetic, and compassionate handling of borderlines, and gives many concrete examples of exactly how to do this. I think that this is the best popular work on BPD. It may not save your life, but it might save your sanity.
...more
I DESPISED this book. It presents BPD as a burden on the lives of those people "unfortunate" enough to care for someone who has it. It focuses on "surviving the ordeal" rather than helping them find ways to cope with the fallout while
My heart stopped when I found this book on my now Ex boyfriend's bookshelf. He came home from work to find me reading it and the expression on his face was absolute shame and horror. It disappeared the next day when he left for work, but the damage was already done.I DESPISED this book. It presents BPD as a burden on the lives of those people "unfortunate" enough to care for someone who has it. It focuses on "surviving the ordeal" rather than helping them find ways to cope with the fallout while being loving and supportive. It all but says "get out while you can" and implies strongly that a BPD person isn't worth loving.
Frankly, if I could slap the author I would happily do so. The presentation is insensitive and closed minded. If they wrote it because of personal experience, its obvious that they were bitter, and I'm certain that they failed to be anything other than bullying and judgmental. I hope that if the author did have someone with BPD in their life that the person escaped without losing it completely, and pray they later managed to find supportive and understanding friends.
If I could give this book negative points, I would.
...more
(If you are someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I highly recommend trashing this crap and never looking back. Or at least never reading the online reviews - here or elsewhere. You will find a boatload of people thanking God that they do not have to "deal with" anyone who has BPD, when they actually mean the examples Stop Walking on Eggshells uses to demonize all sufferers. It coins the term 'borderline' as something that stands for manipulative, abus
Grossly insensitive and inaccurate.(If you are someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I highly recommend trashing this crap and never looking back. Or at least never reading the online reviews - here or elsewhere. You will find a boatload of people thanking God that they do not have to "deal with" anyone who has BPD, when they actually mean the examples Stop Walking on Eggshells uses to demonize all sufferers. It coins the term 'borderline' as something that stands for manipulative, abusive, and downright hateful behavior, as if that is what singly qualifies a borderline diagnosis or is impossible not to be if you are borderline. That completely erases those who are not manipulative, abusive, or hateful, or to those who express those emotions inwardly, becoming self-destructive. This would not have such a negative effect if the book did not ENCOURAGE self-diagnosing your family members.
What results is disbelief that Borderline Personality Disorder exists at all, that it is people simply choosing to misbehave. Eggshells promotes an unhealthy BPD/Non-BPD relationship in some manners: affirming those without BPD, vilifying the borderline, and suggesting very little coping techniques for either. Unless you count completely separating yourself from the borderline who is an inherently disgusting evil careless immoral person, as if this disgusting evil careless immoral person's biggest fear is not already invalidation and abandonment. But that would not fill up 258 sensationalized pages, would it?
By the way, from what I have gathered, the authors are just medical journalists - not practicing physicians. Something to consider. I recommend checking out Dr. Marsha Linehan's work; she developed Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is scientifically proven to help cure/soothe Borderline Personality Disorder. That's right - it does not just mask the symptoms of someone who is suffering from BPD to convenience their friends and family!
And before someone, like, internet slaps me or whatever, I just want to say that it is not easy to love someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I imagine it does feel like walking on eggshells. However, if you truly care for this person, this is not the book to utilize; something so judgmental and demeaning, on both sides of the pond, is not going to work when an extremely sensitive person is involved. It is best to approach the situation with understanding and compassion, as is easy to understand when presented with accurate portrayals of Borderline Personality Disorder and not just abusive, difficult behavior.
Good luck, everyone. ♥)
...more
At THIS time in my life ---reading this book was often more 'reflection' and 'memory' (of some challenging painful daily years) .....Active duty?/! --- than it is today. Yet ---emotions are/were felt, and from time-to-time, I still bump up against "situations" (so to speak).
Borderline was just a 'very new' word years ago ---just being tossed around ---at the time when I might have benefited from more understanding and support.
After reading "Wal
The little question above me: "What did I think"?At THIS time in my life ---reading this book was often more 'reflection' and 'memory' (of some challenging painful daily years) .....Active duty?/! --- than it is today. Yet ---emotions are/were felt, and from time-to-time, I still bump up against "situations" (so to speak).
Borderline was just a 'very new' word years ago ---just being tossed around ---at the time when I might have benefited from more understanding and support.
After reading "Walking On EggShells" (A sensitive topic --a sad topic actually --a very challenging-complicated disorder for the victim and the closely associated) --I read OTHER reviews ---(Here on Goodreads and on Amazon). I read 'most' of them. I don't usually read THAT many reviews. I read the 5 star reviews ---I read the 1 star reviews.
The difference in reading ***ALL*** reviews about THIS book ---compared to fiction books ---is the PEOPLE reading this book are CLOSE to the SUBJECT ---
So ***ALL*** the reviews had PASSION and HEART!!! It was almost like a HUGE ONLINE book discussion ALL views being deeply valid!!!
Gotta give a HUGE THUMBS *UP* for the authors. WOW ---I couldn't do it. How many people could?
Oh....and in this book ---I read something which had me STOP for a second...
Has ANY FAMOUS MOVIE STAR --or ANY FAMOUS person EVER ***COME OUT*** and said....."I have Borderline Personality Disorder"? (and talk about it?/!) ---- I don't think so. WHY? (we know why)
STARS have come out ---[OUT of the Closet -As in being GAY],---or even OTHER Mental Disorders such as Bi-Polar, .....but THIS disorder has a very negative view. Its too bad! Shame on us!
The authors are optomistic about borderlines being able to crawl out of their mental prison, once they recognize they've got a problem--and therein lies the problem fo As the child of a borderline mother, I found this particularly helpful in understanding the point of view of borderlines and for gaining some useful tactics on how to deal with them--the "spolier" here being that there's no particularly satisfying way, just some ways that work to a degree and others that you learn not even to try.
The authors are optomistic about borderlines being able to crawl out of their mental prison, once they recognize they've got a problem--and therein lies the problem for me. I'm suspicious about how many borderlines actually ever understand and acknowledge their problem, since a major part of the affliction is that they're unable to accept responsibility for anything that happens to them. My guess is that it's tragically few. I've heard others say that borderlines, when they do go into therapy, usually end up playing head games with the therapist and fleeing as soon as they're confronted with accepting a problem in themselves.
The book was quite helpful, though, if you're dealing with a borderline personality in your life, I'd advise you to read a range of the other books now available on the disorder as well, just to balance your view. ...more
This book may be useful for dealing with people with difficult or abusive behaviour, but it unfortunately conflates that behaviour with BPD and gives a very inaccurate picture of the disorder. It also encourages people to self-diagnose friends and family with BPD. The author even admits that she wrote the book because of a relationship with someone that she thought had BPD despit
For a more thorough overview please read Seeking Myself's review, I agree with their critiques of the book completely.This book may be useful for dealing with people with difficult or abusive behaviour, but it unfortunately conflates that behaviour with BPD and gives a very inaccurate picture of the disorder. It also encourages people to self-diagnose friends and family with BPD. The author even admits that she wrote the book because of a relationship with someone that she thought had BPD despite the fact that he was never diagnosed.
She also writes of the difference between high and low-functioning borderlines, claiming that high-functioning people with BPD are very rarely diagnosed. The book is apparently more about high-functioning people with BPD who she claims are "acting out". I have to wonder why she thinks these people (who, remember, she admits aren't often diagnosed by doctors) have BPD at all, or why she thinks she's more qualified to determine who has BPD than trained professionals. I have to wonder why Kreger and Mason chose to make this book about BPD at all, given the inaccurate portrayal and endorsement of self-diagnosing the people around you. However, I guess it's easier and more sensationalistic to write about a mental illness than just problematic behaviour.
If you're looking for a book with accurate information on BPD, this isn't it.
...more
My takeaways:
-A good primer for people without BPD. This is not for people who want to learn about their condition. It is a place for people without it to be upset/scared/angry/validated at some of the th
I read this because it was billed as being a good primer for boundary setting (which 2020 has sorely tested--everyone needs more right now than anyone can give, and yet still it seems we all keep asking the impossible of each other) and a good intro to BPD, which impacts my life in various ways.My takeaways:
-A good primer for people without BPD. This is not for people who want to learn about their condition. It is a place for people without it to be upset/scared/angry/validated at some of the things BPD makes more likely to happen. In that sense, I think it does a really good job. It explains the symptoms and brain connections of someone with BPD in a way that others might be able to understand, and holds lots of space for the difficulty of loving anyone with mental illness, but in this specific case, BPD.
-Boundary setting. I think where this book excelled was in how it explains that boundary setting isn't easy, but it makes things easier in the long run because they're about love for yourself, not anger or hate for the person who is pushing at them. There were a lot of great mental exercises and leading questions to help find where a real boundary existed, where something could be relaxed, and how to forgive yourself when you didn't succeed.
-Coping. Another thing this was good at was helping provide real, concrete ways to cope when someone is having a really bad time around you. Again, I think a lot of this could be used generally, but BPD does have a few specific triggers or concerns that this targets more specifically. But very good for handling people who have "black and white thinking," anger issues, unpredictable moods, flipflopping, attachment issues and suicidal ideation. I don't mean this pejoratively. People with mental illness, myself included, deserve love and care, but sometimes we do have to be handled a bit. When we reach the spot our brains try to trick us, the people who love us have to be able to either protect their own safety or help us regain ours, and these are very different skills than those for coming out of a panic attack or depressive episode.
-Distinguishing between abuse and an episode. I really liked this one sentence in particular. Paraphrased, it's "there's a great deal of difference between loving, accepting and supporting a person and loving, accepting and supporting their behavior." I think this is a line we are struggling with right now, and I really like how simply this book said it and started to set out how each of us gets to pick what we'll tolerate, how long, and what we need to make it better.
A few things I didn't like. It talks about "curing" people with BPD which is hard for me. I don't think I need to be "cured" of my anxiety. I don't think I *can* be cured. I can treat it and manage it, but I feel it's hurtful to treat people with mental illness as broken in some way, and feel it is a bit of a lie and possibly harmful to hint that you can remove this part of your life if only you try hard enough. Curing is for removing outside, malignant things from our bodies. I have complicated feeling around that and chronic illness.
Also, this is focused mostly on people who are at the end of their rope--parents who are thinking of sending their children to in-treatment care, partners who are thinking of divorce and so on. The portrayal of BPD is almost entirely very severe BPD probably with intense co-morbidities. Lots of people with BPD, and people who love people with BPD are dealing with much less dramatic forms of the problem. But I will say that this book did a pretty good job not judging anyone for either leaving because they couldn't maintain the relationship or staying because their love is greater than their fear during bad times.
A quick, insightful read, but likely not the Bible on coping with BPD.
...more
The Background of how I came to read this book
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger
When one of my friends admitted to me his wife had a Borderline Personality Disorder, I quizzically wondered what in the world did he mean that. His wife looked perfectly normal to me and they did look like a happy couple - at least on the outside. However, after he shared with me a few intimate details -
The Background of how I came to read this book
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger
When one of my friends admitted to me his wife had a Borderline Personality Disorder, I quizzically wondered what in the world did he mean that. His wife looked perfectly normal to me and they did look like a happy couple - at least on the outside. However, after he shared with me a few intimate details - The first thing that crossed my mind was - Does he seriously expect me to believe all this?
It was like listening to the tales of a serial killer slash psychotic murderer both rolled into one.
So my next stop was amazon.com, I purchased the book and thus this book review comes into being.
Randi Kreger and Paul Mason's research into this book is simply mind boggling. I simply wonder how in the world did they manage to come out with an objective analysis while going through a subjective experience. The book provides information neatly aligned and designed to make anyone understand what BPD is all about. Everything from identifying patterns, symptoms, behavior traits - all of them are wrapped into this one book. The number of stories mentioned in this book are also incredibly diverse and shocking.
In this book they cover topics from:
1. What is BPD
2. How do you identify someone with BPD
3. What goes on in the head of BPD's
4. What we say versus what BPD's understand
5. How to deal with someone suffering from BPD
6. How to change your language while dealing with someone suffering from BPD
7. Common Myths on BPD
8. Effective Coping Techniques of dealing with BPD's
9. How to hone those skills to effectively deal with BPD's
10. Diffusing Techniques while handling BPD's
11. Stories and Anecdotes of people with BPD
12. And surprisingly a Chapter on Damage Control - How to choose the Right Lawyer if in case things go from bad to worse.
13. Finally towards the end - Useful websites links & Support Groups to help those battling this dreaded problem.
So, What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD is an emotionally unstable personality disorder whose striking traits include impulsivity, instability and intolerance that affects all areas of relationships and self belief. It can also include symptoms of abandonment, anger, irritability, unpredictability, and hurtful intentions - both to themselves or to others. Self Mutilation, Suicidal behavior, Attention seeking actions & Revengeful acts for no rhyme or reason are very common with BPD's.
BPD's normally do the following:
1. Cause people they love great deal of pain for no reason.
2. Fight, Argue, Threaten, Blackmail for no reason
3. Twist, turn, Skew, Manipulate and criticize suddenly for no reason
4. Get Angry, Irritated, Violent and Nasty for no reason.
5. Switch from Super Sweet to Horribly Nasty in seconds for no reason
6. Deny, Accuse, Distort and put people they love for no reason
7. Act as the victim, tell lies, false stories and shocking untrue tales to others about people they love for no reason.
Among the vast library of information provided, here are some of the best I could pick up.
1. What to do while dealing with a BPD:
2. What not to do while dealing with a BPD:
3. Questions to ask when getting into a relationship with a BPD
4. How to Clarify Your Limits when dealing with BPD's
5. If the BPD does not respect your limits:
6. While Preparing for a Discussion with a BPD
7. BPD - Specific Communication Skills
8. During the Stressful Phase of Dealing with BPD's a few 'out-of-the-box' ideas:
9. Asking yourself questions can help you better understand your personal limits:
10. The three Cs and the three Gs while dealing with BPD's:
11. The 4 D's - Don'ts of how to respond to criticism:
12. FOG—Fear, Obligation, Guilt
13. DEAR - Researcher Marsha M. Lineha's Technique
14. Online Support Groups
What to do while dealing with a BPD:
1. If the BP threatens harm to themselves (or others), notify the person's therapist (if they have one) at the earliest possible time. You, the BP, and the therapist may all want to meet to discuss how you will handle self-harm in the future. If this is not possible, seek professional help on your own to discuss how to handle the situation. If you believe that the BP may be a danger to himself or herself or others, the BP may need to be evaluated for hospitalization.
2. Remain calm and speak in a calm and matter-of-fact way. In Lost in the Mirror (1996), Richard Moskovitz says, "Since self mutilation usually occurs when the borderline feels out of control; it is important that those around them do not add to the inner chaos with their own panic" (Moskovitz 1996). Moskovitz points out that although the behavior may be shocking and new to you, it may have been going on for a long time.
3. Seek appropriate medical treatment for the BP if warranted. You may wish to call medical professionals to obtain their advice. In our interview with Elyce M. Benham, MS, she said, "This also needs to be handled in a supportive, yet composed and factual manner. What I usually say is, 'Let's take care of this' or 'I'm going to take you to the doctor and have them check this out.'"
4. Help the BP put together a support team so you don't feel overburdened and exhausted. The first person should be the BP's therapist, who can work with the BP to reduce self-harm.
5. Empathize with and listen to the BP. Show that you are trying to understand how she feels. Ask questions in a concerned way, such as, "How are you feeling?" and "Is there anything I can do?"
6. Don't underestimate the BP's fear, anguish, and inner turmoil. Imagine the worst you have ever felt, and then triple it.
7. Emphasize messages of love and acceptance for the person, while making it clear that you wish she would find another way of handling problems. One BP suggests saying, "I feel helpless and angry when you hurt yourself. I want to understand this, even though I don't fully. But I know I don't want you to do this anymore, and if you feel those urges again please talk to me or call your therapist."
8. Stress the positive and offer encouragement (e.g., "Before you did this, you went fourteen days without cutting yourself, and I know you can get back on track.").
9. Suggest alternatives to self-harm such as squeezing ice, plunging his or her hands into very cold water, heavy exercise, biting into something strongly flavored (hot peppers or unpeeled lemon, lime, or grapefruit), or other activities that produce an intense sensation that is not harmful. However, realize that using these alternatives—or not—is up to the BP.
10. Refuse to be put in no-win situations—for example, promising not to seek outside help because the BP is embarrassed and ashamed. This is unfair to you both. If the BP insists that you keep the self-mutilation a secret from people who could help, point out that you are not qualified to handle this on your own.
What not to do while dealing with a BPD:
1. Don't take responsibility for someone else's actions. You did not cause this to happen. If an event that involved you preceded the episode, recall the difference between causes and triggers.
2. While you can do your best to provide a safe environment, realize that you can't remove every potentially sharp object in the house or watch the BP twenty-four hours a day. As the mother of a borderline teen says, "If my daughter is determined to hurt herself, she will."
3. Don't try to be the person's therapist. Leave that to the professionals.
4. Don't keep weapons such as guns in the house.
5. Don't define the person with BPD in terms of the self-mutilation. It is something the BP does, not something the BP is.
6. Don't dwell on the details of self-injury when discussing it with the person. Self-harm can be addictive; you don't want to trigger the behavior. In our interview with Cory F. Newman, Ph.D., he said, "Addictive behaviors can be cued, such as when a cigarette smoker craves a smoke when he hears someone else talking about lighting up. However, this doesn't mean that it's your fault if the person with BPD engages in self-mutilating behavior after you confront them about it. I am merely stating that you have to handle dynamite with great care."
7. Don't moralize, preach, or act disgusted. One woman who hurts herself says, "My friends lecture me about self-injury—as if I didn't know it was wrong. What if I were overweight? Would they follow me around and slap my hand every time I reached for a candy bar?"
8. Don't say things designed to evoke shame or guilt, such as "How could you!" The BP already feels ashamed.
9. Don't make threats in an angry or controlling way ("If you do this again I'm leaving you!"). This may come across as punishing. Even if you choose to set this limit, it should come across as something you are doing for yourself, not something against the other person. For example, during times when you're both calm, you could explain which actions you cannot tolerate and which of these will force you to leave the relationship.
Questions to ask when getting into a relationship with a BPD
1. What do I want from this relationship?
2. What do I need from this relationship?
3. How open can I be with my feelings with this person?
4. Am I putting myself in physical danger by staying in this relationship?
5. How will this decision affect any children?
6. How does this relationship affect my self-esteem?
7. Do I love myself as much as I love the borderline?
8. Have I accepted the fact that the BP will change only if and when he or she is ready to do so? Am I able to wait until that happens or live with things the way they are if it never happens?
9. What practical considerations do I need to consider, particularly financial ones?
10. Do I believe that I have the right to be happy?
11. Do I believe that I am only worthwhile when I am sacrificing
12. myself for others?
13. When am I currently the most content: when I am with this person, when I am alone, or when I am with others?
14. Do I have the energy and fortitude to go against my family or other people who might be upset with my decision?
15. Am I truly making my own decision, or am I doing what other people want me to do?
16. What are the legal ramifications of my decision?
17. If a friend was in my place and told me the story of this relationship, what advice would I give them?
How to Clarify Your Limits when dealing with BPD's
Patricia Evans, in The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How To Respond (1996), suggests
1. that certain rights are fundamental to relationships, including:
2. the right to emotional support, encouragement, and goodwill from the other
3. the right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy and respect
4. the right to have your own view even if the other has a different view
5. the right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
6. the right to a life free from excessive accusations, blame, criticism, and judgments
7. the right to live free from emotional and physical abuse
Stepped on eggshells
If the BPD does not respect your limits:
1. You can change the subject or refuse to discuss the matter.
2. You can leave the room or hang up the phone.
3. You can change your phone number, get Caller ID, or change the door locks.
4. You can go in your room and shut the door.
5. You can be with the person only when a third party is present.
6. You can refuse to read the person's mail or e-mail. You can
7. change your e-mail address.
8. You can stop the car or refuse to drive with the person.
9. You can say no firmly without changing your mind.
10. You can ask for help from therapists or friends, even if the BP doesn't want you to do so.
11. You can call a crisis line or shelter.
12. You can call the police and get a restraining order.
13. You can stop seeing the person for a while or break off the relationship altogether.
14. You can find alternative places for a child to stay (e.g., a group home, with a distant relative, etc.).
15. You can take steps to protect children from abusive situations (e.g., taking the kids out when the BP is raging, reporting child abuse, and seeking sole custody).
While Preparing for a Discussion with a BPD
1. Be Specific
2. Communicate One Limit at a Time
3. Begin with the Easy Stuff
4. Practice with a Good Friend
5. Think about the Rewards
BPD - Specific Communication Skills
Some of the following suggestions are adapted from Marsha Linehan's workbook, Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder
1. Stay Focused on your Message
2. Simplify
3. Give positive feedback, appropriate to the person and your
4. relationship
5. Ask Questions
6. Be aware of your own voice inflection and nonverbal communication
During the Stressful Phase of Dealing with BPD's a few 'out-of-the-box' ideas:
• Visit an art gallery.
• Buy an outrageously expensive chocolate truffle.
• Get a massage.
• Seek out friends and family.
• Volunteer or become politically involved.
• Realize that—illness or no illness—no one person can fulfill all of your needs.
• If you have let friendships falter, "unfalter" them.
• When you go out, do not spend all your time talking about the person with BPD.
• See a movie.
• Try a new food.
• Relax and enjoy yourself!
Asking yourself questions can help you better understand your personal limits:
1. What hurts?
2. What feels good?
3. What are you willing to give up for the relationship?
4. What are the things that others do that leave you feeling angry and taken advantage of?
5. Are you able to say no to requests without feeling guilty?
6. How physically close can you allow others to get?
7. At what distance do you begin to feel anxious or uncomfortable?
8. Does the BP in your life respect your physical limits?
Don't expect to be able to sit down and answer these questions in one night—or even one month. Setting limits is a lifelong process.
The 3 C's
The three Cs and the three Gs while dealing with BPD's:
• I didn't cause it.
• I can't control it.
• I can't cure it.
• get off the BP's back.
• get out of the BP's way.
• get on with your own life.
The 4 D's
Don'ts of how to respond to criticism: Weldmann (1990) writes that most people respond to criticism with behavior they learned in childhood. She calls this behavior "The Four Don'ts": defend, deny, counterattack, and withdraw. You want to avoid these types of responses.
1. Don't defend : Trying to prove to others that you really haven't done anything wrong can make you feel foolish, childish, and guilty, even when you haven't made a mistake.
2. Don't deny : You may use denial because you truly haven't been responsible for whatever it is that you're being accused of. But repeated denial can also make you feel like a child again ("Did not!" "Did too!").
3. Don't counterattack : You may strike back at the person with BPD to try to win the argument or vent your feelings. But when you do this, you'll fall into the projection and projective identification trap that the BP has unconsciously set for you.
4. Don't withdraw : When non-BPs realize that defend, deny, and counterattack don't work, they often withdraw. Some non-BPs clam up completely. Some leave physically. Some learn to dissociate. There is nothing wrong with leaving if you feel attacked. In fact, there are times when it's a good thing to do. The damage comes from remaining passive and silent, absorbing the other person's criticism while your sense of personal power and self esteem deteriorate.
FOG—Fear, Obligation, Guilt
In Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1997) write that traits that make people vulnerable to emotional blackmail include fear, obligation, and guilt—FOG for short. FOG obscures your choices and limits your options to those the blackmailer picks for you:
1. Fear: You may fear losing something: love, money, approval, access to your children, or the relationship itself. You may be afraid of your own anger or of losing control of your emotions.
2. Obligation: Says Forward, "Memory, as employed by the blackmailer, becomes the Obligation Channel, with nonstop replays of the blackmailer's generous behavior toward us. When our sense of obligation is stronger than our sense of self-respect and caring, people quickly learn how to take advantage."
3. Guilt: When your normal activities trigger the BP, the person plays the "Tag, You're It" game discussed in chapter 3 and shifts responsibility for her upset feelings onto you. The BP may accuse you not only of devious behavior but of acting in this way to deliberately hurt her. Instead of questioning her assumptions,you may respond by feeling guilty
DEAR
Also use BPD Researcher Marsha M. Lineha's Technique of DEAR
1. Describe: Describe the situtation without exaggerating. Be as Specific, Objective & Non-Judgemental about it.
2. Express: Express your feelings or opinions about the situation clearly. Take responsibility for your own feelings; do not say, "You made me feel this way." Instead say, "I felt this way."
3. Assert: Assert your limits, making them simple. For example, you can say, "I do care about your feelings, and I do want to resolve our difficulties. When things get intense and we start yelling at each other, I may need to stop the conversation and return to it later when we have both calmed down. This is something I need to do to make myself feel better."
4. Reinforce: Reinforce the benefits of your limits, if appropriate. Explain the positive effects of getting what you need. Don't threaten your loved one in an attempt to control their behavior. For example, you can say, "When we
5. resume the conversation, I can be in a better position to hear your concerns because I feel calm and more centered. And we will not get bogged down in angry conversations that do not seem to resolve anything and leave us both upset."
Online Support Groups
www.bpdcentral.com
www.parent2parentbpd.org
www.bpdfamily.com
www.bpddemystified.com
www.bpdresources.net
www.touch-another-heart.com
www.mytriptoozandback.com
www.borderlinepersonality.ca
www.bpdrecovery.com
www.fbpda.org
www.middle-path.org
www.aboutpsychotherapy.com
www.schematherapy.com
So Moment of Truth
A must have book for those dealing with BPD.
I found this book incredibly informative and really a great read.
Overall Ratings
9 out of 10
Loy Machedo
loy machedo dot com | whoisloymachedo dot com
Stop Walking on Eggshells
...more
At times the authors succeed in painting a more cohesive picture of actual patterns, the biggest theme being one involving desperation to
Another abnormal psych book that fails to use evidence as the basis for diagnoses. If the individual does x, then they have BPD. If they do the complete opposite of x, they still might have BPD. It's clearly a catch all. You can imagine diagnosing various people in your life with BPD. There are many stories. If one doesn't fit, just jump ahead to another one.At times the authors succeed in painting a more cohesive picture of actual patterns, the biggest theme being one involving desperation to not be abandoned. However, they need to do much better than that to put forth a real personality disorder that can be accurately diagnosed (with predictable behaviors) that can be successfully treated. Without that, it's just armchair psychiatry at its worst. Overall, this book, like the many books similar to it, represents what is wrong with the DSM and psychology/psychiatry in general.
...more
What's left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we're happy when we're not. We say that everything is fine when it isn't. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.
I read Stop Walking on Eggshells becau
What's left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we're happy when we're not. We say that everything is fine when it isn't. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.
I read Stop Walking on Eggshells because I know someone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and their psychiatric nurse recommended this book as a resource for friends and family of those with BPD. I confess to not knowing much about BPD before picking this up, and the person I know doesn't suffer from the violent/manipulative/self-harming outbursts that are described in this book, but for those who find themselves constantly "walking on eggshells" around loved ones with the disorder, I can see how this would be valuable. It should be stressed that this is a self help book for those who know someone with BPD, not a resource for those with the diagnosis, but if you need help "taking your life back" (as per the subtitle), the authors outline many helpful tips: from setting boundaries and active listening to calling 911 and documenting spousal abuse before a divorce or custody hearing. The writing is informal and accessible, includes countless stories from people with BPD and those around them, and certainly seems to fill a need. (Note: I read an ARC of the upcoming Third Edition of this book and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)
It may be obvious to you that the person in your life with BPD needs help. But it may not be obvious to him or her. For people with BPD, admitting that anything about them is less than perfect, let alone acknowledging that they may have a personality disorder, can send them into a spiral of shame and self-doubt. Imagine feeling empty, virtually without a self. Now think about admitting that what little self you can recognize has something wrong with it. To many people with BPD, this is like ceasing to exist — a terrifying feeling for anyone.
In several places, the authors stress that clinicians often fail to identify BPD, or mistake it for bipolar disorder (confusingly, 10-20% of those with BPD also have bipolar disorder), or refuse to believe that adolescents can have a personality disorder, or mistakenly believe that BPD always stems from an abusive childhood...this seems a slippery diagnosis and I now feel only marginally better informed about the disorder's manifestations. A baseline presentation might be:
People show wild mood swings; see other people in black and white; act impulsively; are highly (and easily) triggered by real or imagined abandonment; and seem to either hate people or love them. These kinds of behaviors lead to intense and unmanageable relationships.
By way of explanation, the authors write:
The brain of someone with borderline personality disorder is biochemically different from most people's. In a person with BPD, both their brain structure and their brain chemistry regularly turn on their emotional centres to full strength. Imagine a big, muscled bully pounding the logical centres of your brain into submission. That's what it's like for people with BPD. And, long after most people would have cooled down, the bully is still throwing punches — and your loved one is still upset.
Yet, in another place:
BPD is a personality disorder that is diagnosed by a person's behavior, not through any biochemical measurement. BPD moods are typically more intense than bipolar moods; they also tend to change more quickly and more frequently.
Despite this biochemical component, they write that medication isn't helpful for the disorder itself (although those with BPD might be prescribed something for depression, moodiness, or impulsivity), but encouragingly, the disorder can be cured through tools such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy or Cognitive Behavior Therapy — the only wrinkle being that those with the disorder tend to resist therapy. Understanding all of this doesn't really alleviate the pain of an abusive relationship, and ultimately, Stop Walking on Eggshells is a resource for a person on the receiving end of this abuse. The book includes such helpful advice as:
Understanding the difference between causes and triggers of borderline behavior is crucial to taking the behavior less personally. You can trigger borderline behavior quite easily as you go about your day. That doesn't mean, however, that you caused the behavior.
And:
Feelings don't have IQs. They just are. Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, annoyance, frustration — all are normal, and to be expected by people faced with borderline behavior. This is true no matter what your relationship is to the person with BPD. This doesn't mean that you should respond to your loved one with anger. But it does mean that you need a safe place to vent your emotions and feel accepted, not judged.
The authors describe in detail: how to be a "mirror" (and reflect back the other person's emotions) instead of a "sponge" when interacting with a person with BPD; they give the reader permission to finally break off relationships with abusive and manipulative parents, adult children, and partners; they even lay out some general legal advice and provide resources for male victims of domestic violence. This book is filled with plenty of such valuable information, and for those looking for a way to "take their lives back", I hope they find it here. ...more
The Stop Walking on Eggshells books by Kreger are, in my opinion, some of the worst "resources" someone with BPD or a loved one could read. It basically invalidates people with BPD and validates every loved ones actions - not healthy. The book encourages them to challenge the person with BPD, rather than un
The blame game doesn't work in any relationship - even ones involving BPD. Best advice to establish and maintain a healthy balance in your relationship? Don't read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".The Stop Walking on Eggshells books by Kreger are, in my opinion, some of the worst "resources" someone with BPD or a loved one could read. It basically invalidates people with BPD and validates every loved ones actions - not healthy. The book encourages them to challenge the person with BPD, rather than understand and work with them. Someone referred to his books as "a divorce maker" - it IS that harmful. I don't want to bring them to a used book store, I want to avoid spreading this garbage around, I even have the spines facing the wall on the shelf.
If you are going to read ANY books about BPD, read the Survival Guide by Alex Chapman as an intro to the illness. Follow that up with Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning. Those books will allow you to understand the illness and provide you with skills and techniques. These skills are highly effective, it isn't only the person with BPD who needs to learn to navigate through life, your loved one needs to learn how to navigate alongside you. That's what every relationship requires, it's just trickier when you're with a person who has BPD - enter Shari Manning's incredible book.
So instead of feeling bad about having a mental illness and reading about what an awful person you are, how horrible your illness is or it informing your spouse that you really are a shitty person who needs to be PUT IN THEIR PLACE, grab those two recommended books AND NEVER LOOK BACK!
...more
Its a decent informative read, lost one star on the incredibly unrealistic 'scripts' to use in tricky conversations. Written in perfect therapy speak the recommended dialogues read nothing like anyone speak
A piece I read related to work Stop Walking on Eggshells provides guidance for people in relationships with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is comfortably written, the main thrust of the advice being how to take care of oneself when in a difficult relationship.Its a decent informative read, lost one star on the incredibly unrealistic 'scripts' to use in tricky conversations. Written in perfect therapy speak the recommended dialogues read nothing like anyone speaks, and nothing like anyone would be able to speak in a heated discussion. Nonetheless the information and recommendations are sound in theory.
...more
Of course, if you are in a relationship or have a friend, family member or work with someone with BPD this book may be even m This is a fantastic resource for anyone interested in what life with a person with BPD can be and mostly is like as it gives examples of mild, moderate and severe behavior they may engage in or feelings they may experience and how to better understand the reasons for it but mainly how to deal with the great confusion and suffering their loved ones or wayfarers go through.
Of course, if you are in a relationship or have a friend, family member or work with someone with BPD this book may be even more valuable to you.
I especially enjoyed the countless quotes from BP's and non-BP's who weighed in, and that on the contrary to Hard to Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder the author took the time to go through the criteria, giving individual examples and explaining the origin of these behaviors.
The bad reviews on here are both a bit sad but also a bit amusing to me personally because most of the reviewers wouldn't have had to out themselves as BP's, you can tell that the blind rage stems from the fact it's hard for them to accept that those affected by the extreme behavior, black and white thinking and mood swings are so deeply affected by it that they also need help, understanding and not to feel alone in dealing or being with someone with BPD. This is - finally - one book that isn't written for BP's but for us "outsiders."
The accusations that this book is trash-talking BP's or BPD and just a way for people to learn how to leave them are not true at all as any unbiased reader can clearly see when reading the book.
The book makes VERY clear early on that the goal of this book is to understand, to help the reader stop being afraid of the "other shoe dropping" by learning how to set boundaries, talk to BP's without further upsetting them, handling verbally abusive situations - for both the BP's as well as the reader's sake.
I found Marsha Lineham's input or the quotes used very helpful as well since she is not only a recovered BP but is the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which has not only been a great success for BP's but people with other mood and other instabilities or neurodiversities. (It's also frequently being used for or on female Aspies for example.)
When I read that she equated the feelings of a BP with a third degree burn victim - every single little touch causes a big reaction, often a painful one, it explained quite a lot to me.
Some people have criticized that BP's are called "borderlines" in the book - the reason for that was ALSO thoroughly explained on the very first pages by author and co-author, this just on a side note.
I have, in fact, read very few other books who took that much time and tried to be so careful in their wording as in this book although it wasn't even written for BP's.
I think for the "high-functioning" or recovering/open-minded BP this book may also be of use because realizing what great effect their behavior has on everyone around them could be a motivator to not give up on themselves, keep working on themselves and their relationships.
...more
The forma Most of these type of books treat the person who has BPD as if they had a contagious disease and these books view them as not worthy of love, commitment, and support. BPD sufferers are not throwaway human beings. THEY need help. Yes those who love them need support as well, however, I found this book to be as annoying as most of the others I've read- irrelevant to my particular situation. I don't want to read samples of situations that don't apply to my circumstances. It's not helpful.
The formatting of this book is cartoon-ish and terrible to the eye, and makes an already frustrating Life problem even more frustrating.
People with personality disorders are not evil. They are human beings with a disease and deserve support.
...more
I find this book very helpful. It acknowledges the difficulty of dealing with mental illness that can be disguised or hidden, and it doesn't judge, but also doesn't excuse. It talks about distortions and altered reality and over-reactions and lies, and all the things that start to seem "normal" when you deal with some
This is my second or third time reading this book. It was originally recommended by my brother's girlfriend-at-the-time, who had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.I find this book very helpful. It acknowledges the difficulty of dealing with mental illness that can be disguised or hidden, and it doesn't judge, but also doesn't excuse. It talks about distortions and altered reality and over-reactions and lies, and all the things that start to seem "normal" when you deal with someone who has BPD or a similar disorder.
One thing the book does not do is give a solution, and that's because there isn't a one-size-fits-all fix. Recovery is difficult and requires a deep desire and committment, and professional help, and consistency from family and friends. That kind of thing can't be given as a formula in a book. But the book can, and does, describe the patterns of BPD behavior and suggest things to think about as you decide what direction to go. I find it helpful as a reality check - to remind me that distortion campaigns and emotional time-bombs are not a normal part of reality, but are, in fact, outside normality. The book also reminds me what kind of hell people with BPD are living in - and the reminder is there not as an obligation to endure the behavior, but as a reminder that anger could be replaced by sorrow for the pit someone has fallen into.
I spent two years in close contact with someone who may have had BPD - and although I am deeply thankful to have distance between me and her, and although it took me at least a year to recover some of my equilibrium after that experience, it makes me very sad to think of the terror she must suffer continually as she views the world through a distorted lens and desperately flails against percieved abandonment, while ironically ensuring that she really will be abandoned because of her toxic behavior.
...more
As someone who has dealt with multiple abusive relationships with people who have BPD (often with NPD or APD as well), I don't think this book is all th
I'm not sure I agree with reviews that say this book "bashes" people with BPD. Looking back, I don't think it does a responsible job of representing the disorder as a whole, but I actually think the book works so hard to avoid taking sides between people with BPD and nons that people in both camps end up feeling unheard/unhelped after reading it.As someone who has dealt with multiple abusive relationships with people who have BPD (often with NPD or APD as well), I don't think this book is all that compassionate or understanding to those struggling to deal with abusive PD relationships. Not all people with PDs are abusers, but when people with PDs are abusers, it gets about 15 times harder to handle the situation than it normally would be because the abuser is clearly suffering/struggling and the last thing on Earth you want is to be the reason why it doesn't get better. I think a lot of nons seeking this book out are people whose people with PDs don't want to change. The funny thing is, this book acknowledges how many people with PDs won't admit there's a problem and therefore won't seek professional help but then they expect that the non learning a bunch of fluffy DBT techniques is going to solve the problem. If they don't want to hear that stuff from therapists, why would they want to hear it from the non?
This book doesn't really take the hard road when it comes to abuse. It kind of has this "well, yeah, sure, there's abusive behavior but they're ill and yeah maybe you could leave but if you have a thick skin and completely change the way you communicate and live your life you can somehow make it okay. No, you can't. If you're being abused, it doesn't matter how ill the person is or how bad their childhood was, abuse is never okay. Period. It isn't up to the non to learn some special new vocabulary to help the person.
Granted, if the person with BPD is working collaboratively with the non to learn a way of communicating that will be healthy between them, I think this might be a good resource. Without that cooperation, however, this book just feels like learning tricks to avoid arguments with high-conflict people who aren't interested in changing their high-conflict behavior.
...more
This book did h
I read this book because it was recommended to me by a psychiatrist friend of mine in hopes that it could help me understand and deal with a family member. My friend has heard a only a few "stories" and suspected my family member may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, after reading the book, I believe my family member does have BPD. I had never heard of BPD before, and I don't think my family member has been officially diagnosed...and if she has, she's not telling anyone.This book did help me. It felt good to know that I wasn't alone in dealing with a loved one with these issues. I felt validated, and relieved because at least my loved one isn't violent. However, much of the book, understandably, wasn't relevant to my situation. Much dealt with the husband/wife relationship (a chosen relationship), and those relationships with children. My relationship is an unchosen one...one of a immediate family member. I kept wanting the book and/or the knowledge that the book brought to somehow do the impossible and make the issues disappear. I had to deal with and work through that frustration...the whole "okay, great, she has this, but now what!?" Do I tell her she has it? I decided on No, don't mention it to her. I will just be aware and do my part to be compassionate, and not take things personally, but try to determine what is really bothering my loved one when she is having a reaction. It will be a journey for me...lots of work and patience on my end.
She has also recommended the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells first because I have said this line a thousand times in regards to my family member. Our relationship is strained constantly because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and mind everything I say in the fear that it could be turned against me later.
...more
Might I recommend talking to your loved one with BPD about your issues in mediation therapy? at least that has a chance of actually helping.
Or, don't even do that. Just don't read this book. It is truly toxic and garbage. It is not a resource, and it never will be.
This book had a terrible outlook on BPD that makes most everyone in the community cringe. it is not accurate, not helpful, and just makes the gap between people with BPD and their loved ones without it even bigger.Might I recommend talking to your loved one with BPD about your issues in mediation therapy? at least that has a chance of actually helping.
Or, don't even do that. Just don't read this book. It is truly toxic and garbage. It is not a resource, and it never will be.
...more
If you're looking to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is, this video might help
This is apparently one of the better books on dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I always shake my head at how poorly this disorder is named; "borderline" doesn't really do much to describe what it actually involves. "Walking on eggshells", however, is a very good term to describe one of the more common behaviors people around BPDs develop in response to their behavior.If you're looking to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is, this video might help quite a bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to5qR.... It's something very hard to pin down, and has taken me quite a bit of learning to get a handle on it. It doesn't help that, according to this book, there are kind of two *different* strains of it, and it's often confused with Bipolar Disorder or Depression. I don't have the time to explain the symptoms here, but I'll talk about the things in the book that stood out to me:
- The two strains of BPD are "acting in" (self-harming), which is much easier to recognize and treat, and "acting out" (harming others), which is tougher. The book confirmed a lot of what I've learned recently about the acting out / higher functioning BPD strain.
- In particular, the sense of a "void". BPDs don't have a strong sense of self, and Mason often describes it as the person having a void inside them that they cannot fill, which is exactly how I've described it in the past.
- Apparently one of the worst things to do in dealing with someone with BPD is stick around and take the rage, the criticism, and the vitriol. Oops! I thought it was a way of reassuring the BPD that they would not be abandoned, but according to Mason it just reinforces their unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The author not only provides advice about how to deal with someone with BPD, but puts a lot of effort into explaining how a BPD feels -- the emotions and ideas that are fueling the behavior. I found I could identify with a lot more of the feelings than was comfortable for me, but it led me to think that it's not really the feelings that drive BPD as a personality disorder. It's what someone does with those feelings: the unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with those feelings and the refusal to let go of those behaviors that really defines BPD, as far as I'm concerned.
I didn't find a lot of new guidance or perspectives in here, but there was enough to help solidify what I've learned already, and some tidbits that I hadn't picked up before (like not sticking around to take the abuse).
...more
Although this book makes many disclaimers to the contrary, I could see it feeding into a temptation to diagnose one's relatives, frenemies, and difficult co-workers as all having borderline personality disorder. The book reminds the reader that diagnoses can only be made by a mental health professional, but I could see that reminder being easily overlooked among all the descriptions and testimonials about borderline tendencies and behavior. None of the information struck me as wrong per se, but some of it seemed kind of simplistic and perhaps overgeneralized, and I wasn't always sure about what was research-based and what was anecdotal.
In the subsequent sections, I didn't find the coping tips particularly useful or practical; many of them seemed kind of general and vague. I suppose that's what you can expect from a self-help book, but I've read other self-help books which spoke to me far more than this one did.
Thankfully, although I have some difficult people in my life, I haven't encountered any who I felt met full criteria for borderline personality disorder or were nearly as extreme in their behavior as the people described in this book. It's possible that someone who does have to deal regularly with someone with borderline personality disorder and is not a mental health professional might find the information here more novel than I did, or the tips more helpful.
...more
***
I will caveat, however, that I'm not stoked about some of their language choices.
(1) They often alternate using "he" and "she" for generic examples, rather than going for a singular they or "he or she" (and whenever they do say "he
(I'm pretty sure) I don't know anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I found this book helpful anyway. A lot of the stuff about the fact that you can't "fix" the other person (and also about boundary-setting, and trigger vs. cause) is broadly applicable.***
I will caveat, however, that I'm not stoked about some of their language choices.
(1) They often alternate using "he" and "she" for generic examples, rather than going for a singular they or "he or she" (and whenever they do say "he or she," I think, "way to reinforce the gender binary"). (They do get points for having an f/f couple as one of their anecdotes, though.)
(2)
Non-Borderline (non-BP)***
The term "non-borderline" (non-BP) does not mean "person who doesn't have BPD." Rather, it is shorthand for "relative, partner, friend, or other individual who is affected by the behavior of someone with BPD."
-p.18"Borderline" Versus "Person with BPD"
Some professionals prefer the term "person with BPD." They believe that calling someone a "borderline" implies that the diagnosis defines the person. These clinicians assert that the longer phrase "person with BPD" should always be used.
While we agree that the term "person with BPD" is less stigmatizing than the noun "borderline," our goal is to produce a book that is readable and succinct, as well as respectful to people with mental disorders. To examine the complex interactions between BPs and non-BPs, we must often differentiate between them--sometimes several times in the same sentence. Using the longer phrase would have made this book too hard to read, so we have chosen to use "borderline" or "BP" instead. More importantly, "BP" is inclusive of people who have not been formally diagnosed, but show the traits.
-p.19
Excerpts I found useful:
BELIEF: I am responsible for all the problems in this relationship.
FACT: Each person is responsible for 50 percent of the relationship.
-p.68
BELIEF: It's my responsibility to solve this person's problems, and if I don't do it, no one else will.
FACT: By trying to take charge of the borderline's life, you may be giving them the message that they can't take care of themselves. You're also avoiding the opportunity to change the relationship by focusing on yourself.
BELIEF: If I can convince the person with BPD I am right, these problems will disappear.
FACT: BPD is a serious disorder that profoundly affects the way people think, feel, and behave. You can't talk someone out of it no matter how persuasive you are.
[...]
BELIEF: This person can't help having BPD, so I should not hold them accountable for their behavior.
FACT: It's true the borderline in your life didn't ask to have BPD. But with help, they can learn to control their behavior toward others.
BELIEF: Setting personal limits hurts the person with BPD.
FACT: Setting personal limits is essential for all relationships--especially those in which one or both people have BP.
BELIEF: When I try to do something to help my situation and it doesn't work, I shouldn't give up until it does work.
FACT: You can learn from what hasn't worked and try something new.
-p.69
Feelings don't have IQs. They just are. Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, hostility, annoyance, frustration--all are normal, and to be expected by people faced with borderline behavior. This is true no matter what your relationship is to the person with BPD. This doesn't mean that you should respond to the BP with anger. But it does mean that you need a safe place to vent your emotions and feel accepted, not judged.
-p.71
Fran (non-BP)-p.72
I spent many years grieving for my borderline son when I realized the dreams I had for him would never come true. I began mourning in earnest when my son's therapist asked me what I would do if my son needed to live in a residential facility for the rest of his life. I just started sobbing. The therapist explained that the child I thought I had had died, along with the future I had pictured for him. But when I was done grieving, I would have a new child, and I would have new aspirations for him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change the person with BPD in your life. You may be right: he might be a lot happier and your relationship might improve if he sought help for BPD. But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else. When you let go of this belief, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself.
Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can't uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, "Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!"
No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or it can choose to go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it can be.
-p.87
Imagine if you were planning to have your wedding reception at the nicest hall in town, but two days before the wedding, lightning struck the hall and it burned to the ground. When you tried to find another site, you found that every other hall was booked. Naturally, you would feel very upset and angry.
But you wouldn't feel personally attacked, as if the lightning blot knew you and was deliberately trying to make your life miserable. You wouldn't blame yourself for things beyond your control. But that is precisely what many people do when faced with the actions of a person with BPD. They spend years assuming they're the source of the lightning when, in fact, they're only the lightning rod.
-p.91 (don't take BPD behavior personally)
Non-BPs aren't masochists; they're optimists--which may or may not turn out to be warranted. It is hard to give up on that optimism and let go of a relationship that is so good otherwise.
-p.97
["]When our sense of obligation is stronger than our sense of self-respect and caring, people quickly learn how to take advantage."
-p.110, quoting Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail
In Codependent No More (1987), Melody Beattie says that setting boundaries is not an isolated process. She writes:
Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with. Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and don't deserve.-p.112
Boundaries originate from a deeper sense of our personal rights--especially the right we have to be ourselves. Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves. Boundaries naturally flow from our conviction that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.
People with healthy emotional limits understand and respect their own thoughts and feelings. In short, they respect themselves and their own uniqueness.
-p.112
Naturally, all of these things will be perceived as abandonment by the person with BPD. That's why you may need to gently point out that you are not acting against the person; you are acting for yourself. Explain that your limits are essential to the health of the relationship and that you are asking the BP to observe them so that you can be with him or her for a very long time.
-p.112
Within reason, we suggest you observe your limits in a gentle way every time--even when you're tired or when you'd rather avoid a fight. You may not always be able to take immediate action, but you can't let unacceptable behavior go unnoticed or you may actually reinforce it.
-p.156
measure your success by the things you can control
The person with BPD in your life may or may not respond as you would like during any one particular conversation. This is beyond your control. So measure your success by the factors you can control. Ask yourself:
* Did you respond as an adult, not as a child?
* Did you act in a way that demonstrates your self-respect?
* Were you clear about your positions?
* Did you remain focused, even if the BP tried to draw you off track?
* Did you remain calm and composed?
* Did you refuse to be baited and drawn into a losing argument?
* Were you considerate of the other person's feelings, even if he or she did not give you the same consideration?
* Did you maintain a firm grip on your own reality while maintaining an open mind toward the BP's concerns?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, pat yourself on the back.
-p.157-158
You're asserting your limits for the long-term health of the relationship--not just for yourself.
-p.158
Karen Ann (BP)-p.160
When I am angry, I can't think rationally. I'm possessed by emotions that cause me to act out viciously. The feelings overpower me, and I have to lash out to let them escape. It's an attempt to protect myself, knowing that what I am doing will drive a person further away.Dick (BP)
When I rage at people, they are no longer real people with real feelings. They become the object of my hatred and the cause of my distress. They are the enemy. I get paranoid and believe they want to hurt me, and I am determined to strike out to prove control over them.Laura (BP)
I think that borderlines are very concerned about only one thing: losing love. When I am cornered, I get very scared, and I show that by getting angry. Anger is easier than fear and makes me feel less vulnerable. I strike before being struck.
You're dealing with someone who needs immediate professional attention much more than he or she needs your capitulation.
-p.171 (feeling manipulated by suicide threats)
Say Ellis and Newman, "When you give in to the threats, you will still be angry, the BP will still be at risk for self-harm at any time, and the underlying issues will not have been addressed. Plus, it is likely that the same scenario will repeat itself again and again" (1996).
-p.172
[Ellis, T. E.. and C. F. Newman. 1996. Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.]
Just a few pages into this book, it was like they were using my past relationship as a case study. Everything they described was exactly how it happened and everything they described happening happened.
Part of me wishes that I had read this book when I was still in that relationship. It certainly would have helped me understand what was going on and deal with it more appropriately. At the same time, I'm not sure that it would have helped. She was convinced that she didn't have a problem and wouldn't seek therapy even if I had known what to call it -- which the book addresses. I just wonder if I would have managed to understand enough to deal with it long term and if that would have been healthy. I certainly would have missed out on other, more rewarding relationships if I had.
Still, it was a comfort to know that I wasn't crazy and to be able to put a name to the disorder.
...more
News & Interviews
Welcome back. Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personal
Source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/188013.Stop_Walking_on_Eggshells
0 Response to "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personal"
Post a Comment